Where Are You Christmas?

I awake to the sound of my phone alarm going off for the third time so I begrudgingly get out of bed. It’s December 25th, also known as Christmas day. Now I don’t mean to sound like the Grinch but today is just another day of the week for me. However I haven’t always felt this way, let’s rewind back to seven year old me. I awake barely having slept all night due to excitement. I run downstairs to see presents piled under the Christmas tree. Of course I was always the first to wake and too impatient to wait for my siblings. I would run to all their rooms waking them up myself. Once everyone was awake my mom would make cinnamon buns and we would watch the parade on T.V. I know it sounds like a movie right? Fast forward to twenty-one year old me living away from home waking up mid afternoon and traveling to my parents house. Once I arrive there I’ll see a pile of presents under the tree all marked for my nieces and nephews. I know it’s not about the presents and I love to see their faces light up when they open theirs. As I watch the joy in their faces I can’t help but feel sad knowing that one day they too will turn into the pessimistic adult I am today. As I get older each year I feel my holiday spirit slipping away. You start to realize that you may not have money to buy presents or if you’re in school all you can think about are finals rather than relaxing by a fire place. It’s not just Christmas either, it’s other holidays too such as Halloween. Once you hit a certain age it’s no longer acceptable for you to run around in a costume collecting candy. Just like now it would be weird if I waited to sit on Santa’s lap. The people around you no longer asking what you will be for Halloween or what you want for Christmas. We’re adults and we need to do adult things. I really wish I could fill myself with holiday cheer but I feel like I’m just going to have to settle for nostalgia and memories. Maybe I need my ghost of Christmas past to come and remind me not to be a Scrooge. I guess at a certain point in time we all wish to rewind the clocks and go back to when things were simple, before finding out that Santa isn’t real, there’s more on T.V then just cartoons and people won’t give you candy for dressing like a princess. As my imagination fades and reality takes over I find myself struggling to feel the joy I once did as a child.

-Melanie S.

Bah humbug.

The most wonderful time of the year –right? Except for some of us the holidays aren’t all that it’s cut out to be. The build up to the holidays sets us up for some great expectations. The Christmas lights, the movies, and the songs are magical. The endless supply of hot chocolate and cookies can be comforting but for some of us something crucial is missing. As an immigrant, I left most of my extended family back home. For many of us the holidays are just a reminder of how alone we are. I’ve bought so much into the holiday spirit that every year is a constant let down. I can’t help but get excited along with all my friends. I count down the days until winter break. I collect all the sparkly holiday cards and I wrap presents for my friends with serious pride. But it’s always a bummer when I can’t share that with a house full of family. It’s so disheartening coming home from work or school to be greeted by an empty house. Even though statistically Christmas is the least miserable day of the year, I’ll be honest I’m not too excited for it this year. All I truly want is my friends and family dressed in ugly sweaters around a dinner table filled high with mashed potato. Is that too much to ask for?!

But in all seriousness, I think I’ve gotten to the age where I have to start creating traditions for myself. It’s really about who you’ve got around you during the holidays. Not the presents, or the food (not entirely anyway). So I think next year I’ll create my own holiday cheer. I don’t have to be alone if I don’t want to be. No I won’t have a large family to celebrate but family isn’t always just about blood. Friends make for good company too.

 

Self-Love, Party of One?

After having a breakup that had consumed all of me—rummaged through my body, reached my heart, and carved his aching name across it. Oh but we were both to blame, or in his case— I was to blame, ME, ME, ME and just me. After months of on and off communication that included sex and resentment, we had officially cut ties. Ah the relief, mixed with tireless tears. I had confided in my friends during these dark days, until I was hit with more misery, when I realized I had been confiding in the wrong people all along. The friends I had once considered most important were really just wolves in cute clothing.

After a cycle of shattered hearts, bad friends and just all around bad karma and vibes, I had crawled into a funk, found a snug spot to sulk in and closed myself off. Everywhere I went unhappiness found me, caught up to me quickly, as if to laugh and say hey you should’ve ran faster. I wanted to get away, I thought if I left this place of misery I could redefine myself elsewhere. But certainly that wasn’t the answer or financially possible for me, to just get up and go.

So it was time for me to get a hold of myself—to stop crying every day, and letting the wrong people control my life. It took me a while to find a place of content, of acceptance and positivity, but I did it, I released it all—anything that was no good for me. Except for pizza, there’s always pizza.

There I was, saying good riddance to anything or anyone that made me unhappy, that made me feel small, that all around just made me feel uneasy; because why should we live a life, our lives, accommodating something or someone that doesn’t make us feel good?

The hardest part for me was letting go of people. People that I have grown attachments to, that I had shared laughs and secrets with, people that I had created memories with. But ultimately, they were providing more bad than good. I always feel that a relationship, any kind of relationship, boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, best friend, family, should always have balance. It shouldn’t feel like one party is taking more from the other.

I found that I surrounded myself with people who liked to take control, and realizing I was generally flexible and easy-going, I was an easy target. They took ahold of me and I allowed it. Because I enjoy company, I was someone who absolutely hated being alone.  So it didn’t really matter to me if I was accommodating more often than them because I was just happy to be hanging out.

And I didn’t really notice the imbalance, to be honest, I did have a lot of fun times— but when they didn’t want to do something I was interested in or something I had suggested and I would ultimately concede to their plans, I began questioning the friendship. Did they really care about me as I did them? They mostly certainly did not, because after all “Danielle is always down for anything.” Yeah anything that is suitable to you, apparently.

When a good friend of mine had betrayed me in the midst of my breakup— the ultimate betrayal, a total breach in girl code that I cannot even speak of, I had lost it and my heart shrunk a few sizes smaller. I felt like bad luck had settled itself on my back, making itself comfortable and homely. Was I really stuck on this train of self-pity and if so where was the next stop off?

So I began to do little things— after kicking the bad friends to the curb, the ones that really didn’t give a shit about me. The ones that found their problems to be more of importance than mine, the ones that found the universe revolved around them and I was just one of the many in orbit. They were all gone. A series of breakups, with lovers and friends.

I realized the only way things would change, was if I took control and changed it. I had to give myself a chance— a chance to figure out who I am and what I like. I had lived amongst other people’s enjoyment for too long, I wasn’t quite sure how to find my own. What do I like?

How was that such a hard question? I felt like I didn’t deserve happiness and that was the first step, recognizing that I did, we all do. I had beaten myself up for so long there were too many scars within, so I let go of a lot of anger– I acknowledged it, I wasn’t going to let it eat at me. I reminded myself that it is in the past now and that I can forgive, for all that I was no longer in control of, for all that was behind me. And I began to ease up a little on myself. You’re gonna be okay.

   I began writing more, oh how I had not been writing, I had forgotten how much it was within me all along. I bought myself new blankets! Yes new blankets, to rid of the previous sheets that reek of past lovers. I bought blankets that were bright, a beautiful yellow, mixed with light grey and white. I decorated my shelf with a string of lights. I figured since I couldn’t find the light, I’d bring the damn thing to me. I got flowers and candles. I went on bike rides and painted. I read books that I wanted to read and watched movies I never got to watch. I stopped listening to sad songs and stopped watching Greys Anatomy— if they kill off one more person!

I was pushing the sadness out! You are not allowed here anymore, please leave. I was taking control. Granted I was spending more time alone– my chance of self-discovery and self-love, so much so, that I began to crave it! Me time, it is almost required at this point. I felt myself thinking clearer, reflecting on all that had happened and finding where I have grown.

I was thinking positive and stopped allowing myself to worry about too many things at once. And that little guy bad luck? Well there’s always a chance of running into him again, but for a while he hasn’t been on my back.

I was scared, I am scared, but I’m happy. I’m happy and I’m scared. I’m scared about the future, but I’ve been giving me a chance. I’m hopeful and excited and positive of all that will come. And that’s all you can really do, is give you a chance, a chance at self-love and self-growth.

with love,

Danielle Sheehan