LOVE=RESPECT

This week I decided to talk about a more serious topic, that being abusive relationships. The reason being is that the word abuse has many different definitions, which means an abusive relationship isn’t always physical, it could be verbal, mental, emotional, or sexual. Many people, including myself can fall into an abusive relationship without realizing it is happening. Love can be blind and we need to help guide those who can not see the truth.

Here are some signs that it might be an abusive relationship, to help you or someone you know. And since anyone whether male or female can be the victim or the abuser I won’t be using any gender specific pronouns.

Insults/ Puts you down:

If your partner constantly insults you in any way this is a form of verbal abuse. They will most likely attack your weight, intelligence, appearance, job, and mainly anything important to you. Some comments can be similar to these; “You’re so fat, its disgusting why don’t you lose some weight,” “Am I the only smart one in this relationship, you always say such dumb things,” “Why don’t you get a real job, it’s embarrassing to me.” Most likely they are going to make you feel like shit and build themselves up.  There is no acceptable reason for you to be put down by anyone. If someone you knew called you names it would be considered bullying so don’t make an exception because of “love.” If you want to talk to your partner about this problem they will probably use the excuse “it’s just a joke” at that point let them know that it hurts you and if things don’t change they’re not being considerate of your feelings so it’s best to walk away.

Forces/ pressures sexual encounters:

If at anytime you say no to your partner’s sexual advances and they don’t comply. They may even try to guilt you into things by putting you down, like I talked about above. Or they may use reverse psychology and give you compliments hoping to persuade you. But if it doesn’t feel right, no means no. If they do force you that is considered rape and at that point I advise you immediately to get out and speak to someone you trust about the situation. Never feel obligated to take part in sexual activities once again because of “love.” If someone loves you they respect you and your body. Sex should be a mutual connection between you and someone you love.

Possessive/Controlling

If your partner tries to dictate your life in any way. At first it might start off with small demands such as what to wear or how to do your hair. If you give in to these demands it can lead to more life changing decisions, those being, who you’re allowed to spend time with or places you can go. Most of the time they will try and keep you from the people you love like friends or family. They could also keep you away from activities and hobbies you enjoy. When this issue is brought up they will use the defense that they are looking out for your best interest and this is a convincing argument. Most victims of this type of abuse see it as their partner loving them too much. However at the end of the day no one should strip you from your individuality and happiness. If they don’t agree with a majority of your life choices  and try to make you into what they want, then that is not the person for you.

Plays victim

Someone who is an abuser is great at manipulation and there go to defense in an argument is to play the victim. They will turn everything around on you and make you feel as though you are the one who is wrong. They will use this tactic all the time especially during the situations described above. If you are always apologizing at the end of the argument even if it’s their fault that is a huge sign. This is one of the scariest parts of being in an abusive relationship because you start to believe you’re the one who’s causing all the problems. Which definitely has an effect on your sanity and mental health. You eventually begin blaming yourself and beating yourself up internally . If you notice this type of behavior repeatedly please do what is best for you and leave.

I really hoped this helped anyone who may feel they are in a relationship like this or may know someone who is. Please seek help or reach out to someone who needs help. Abusive relationships can also lead to self abuse such as an eating disorder, attempting suicide, alcohol or drug abuse and overall depression. No one deserves to be treated as if they are nothing. You are a beautiful human being who is entitled to respect and love. If you want to learn more,  here’s a site:

http://www.loveisrespect.org/

This website provides more information as well as contact information for help. (pass it along!)

-Melanie S.

Period Related Things I Wish I’d Known at Eleven

Tea

Tea is literally my solution to all life’s problems. Try decaffeinated herbal teas like mint and oolong. Use honey not sugar.

Exercise/movement

Okay this one is tricky. You wanna avoid hardcore exercise like lifting. However, I’ve learned from high school Phys. Ed that running actually reduces cramps. Now that I’m no longer in HS Phys. Ed I aim for simple stretches, going for slow walks, and casually staying active. It is tempting to lie in bed in fetal position and groan and moan but it’s probably not the best idea for you physically or for your mood. Exercise makes you happy –endorphins and all that.

Hot Packs

Hot packs are great. After some simple and light exercise, fill one up with hot water and cuddle up with them in the coziest spot you know. Place them right on top of your abdomen and they provide soothing comfort for a few hours. This is really beneficial for the first few days when it feels like monsters are stabbing you in the gut over and and over again.

Cry

Let it out. Let it all out. It’s okay to cry as much and as often as you need to. If you’re like me and for some reason during your period you get emotional and are constantly on the verge of tears, don’t fight it. It’s better to just go with it. Get it out of your system. It’s a good mechanism for getting out pent up emotions and starting new.

Binge Eating.. Girl Don’t Do It

C’mon your acne doesn’t need any more Cheetos. Don’t. During your period is the best time to eat a salad.  Avoid feeling bogged down with heavy meaty foods. Aim for crisp and fresh. Drink some good juice blends and rebuild your body. Chocolate is okay too but if you’re gonna eat the entire Hershey’s bar then it might just have the opposite effect. Aim for a few squares of dark chocolate and really savor the taste in your mouth.

Stains, stains, stains

I’ve had a mostly heavy flow for a majority of my life. I’ve stained underwear, pants, bedsheets, and seats so many times I’ve gotten over the embarrassment and just learned to deal with it. For underwear, try and wear ones you won’t mind staining. If they do become stained don’t toss em out, run hot water over it, then with detergent scrub the stain out by hand. If you toss the stained underwear in the laundry the stain dries, and is less likely to come out completely. Same goes for bedsheets, pants, skirts and anything else. To avoid bedsheet spillage, before going to bed crumble up a piece of toilet paper and position between ya butt crack. Seriously, when you’re sleeping and moving around in all sorts of positions this will prevent any accidents and let you sleep easier. If you stain yourself in public, cover up as soon as possible. Always carry tissues with you, and just don’t worry too much about it. What are ya gonna do? You didn’t choose this life, it chose you!

Pads

Pick the right one based on your flow. Have a few different sizes. In the beginning of your period your flow might be stronger or weaker. Select your pad size accordingly and seriously change it every 2-3 hours even if it’s not full. If you wear it for too long it will cause discomfort and bad odors and funkiness ya just don’t wanna deal with. Go for pads with wings on them. Trust me you will have to deal with fewer stains.

Hot showers

Take hot showers. They will release tension in your muscles and ease your cramps. On the first few days of your period take a hot shower in the morning and one before you go to bed at night. This will ensure that your muscles are relaxed and help you feel clean.

Summer’s Eve

Ingrid Nilsen aka missglamorazzi on YouTube once revealed the products she had in her shower and talked a little about Summer’s Eve products. I look up to Ingrid a lot –and still do –and so I went out and bought myself the Summer’s Eve wash from the drug store. For a mere $5 I was set for a good few months. Summers Eve products help control pH levels and actually leave you feeling super fresh down there. FRESH is the goal you guys. No one likes feeling funky and sluggish and gross.

Summer Body is YOUR Body!

         “The Perfect Beach Body”, is reiterated across every headline as the warm weather approaches. However this hype of a “summer body” is always targeted towards us females more than males. In fact summer 2015 is becoming the summer of the “dad bod.” The men are being praised for gaining a little extra while women are being ridiculed.One minute they want us to be skinny then the next we have to be curvy. Looking back through history you can see how body types for women have changed. BuzzFeed actually has a video on YouTube titled “Women’s Ideal Body Types Throughout History,” this is a perfect illustration of how standards always evolve.

         During the Italian Renaissance plump, voluptuous women were being celebrated. If you take a look at art from this era bigger women are the muse. Fast forward all the way to the 1960’s, when skinny became the new look to admire. Now women were being photographed; flip through any magazine between the 1960’s to the 2000’s and it’s all skin and bones. Today in the year 2015, I have no idea what body type is being admired. One day there telling girls to look petite like Mila Kunis and Selena Gomez and the next day they want them to be thick like Kim Kardashian and Beyonce. All these women are beautiful in their own way but why should we aspire to look like them?  

         Our lives have become more and more like beauty pageants as society judges us more based on our appearance rather than the many attributes we have. A woman can’t even run for president without her sense of style being scrutinized. We’re told to love our bodies as long as it fits within the mold that society has created for us. This mold usually takes form in clothing. As you walk through your favorite store in the mall “California girls” is playing and there are posters of some photo shopped model plastered around the walls. Even the mannequins look better in the clothes, as they should, they were made to fit them. You begin walking towards the dressing room with fun, flirty summer clothes as the signs around the store stated. As you try on the third dress you begin realizing  you’re not “summer ready” because the crop top didn’t look like the girl in the poster and now this dress looks all wrong. Instead of shrugging our shoulders and just looking for more clothes, we walk out with a mixture of misery and humiliation. Let’s walk back in there with confidence and take back our bodies from society.

       Yes, there will always be judges on the sidelines but we have to  silence them out. Summer 2015 and every summer after that should be promoting loving yourself and the body you have. Yes, you can change your body if you want to but change always takes time so love who you are in the now. Love your body for what it was yesterday, for what it is today and what it will be tomorrow.  

                                                                                                                                            Truly yours,

                                                                                                                                                 Melanie S.

P.S.

Found this gem on Tumblr!